Rome

I had been looking forward to a break away in a foreign country for a long time.

I had been to Rome previously, and loved it, so always wanted to return, so it was an easy decision to make.

I mostly had a really good time. But I did have an anxiety attack, and possibly the worst one I have ever had, as there is a period of up to two hours that I simply do not remember. I don't remember getting up, if I hate, and how I make my way to the bus station to catch a bus to Naples for my day trip to Vesuvius and Pompeii. I remember feeling sick and on edge, and confused. I decided that it was unsafe for me to continue with my original plans that day, which left me feeling gutted as I had been really looking forward to it. I cried.

Instead I decided to head towards the sea, Ostia, by metro train. It didn't take long to get to, yet felt like a million miles away from the bustle of the city. I found it calming, and was what I needed.

I managed to continue with my holiday, but felt on edge for the remainder of it, concerned that I would have another episode.

I kept my closest friend, and also the girl I have been seeing updated, and both of them did their best to help me remain calm, and focus on the good.

I wish to return to Italy, maybe see a couple of cities in one go. I think it would be better than I travel when I am more mentally stable, maybe this trip on my own came a bit too soon for me, or if I had someone to go with, someone who would be able to ground me when I found myself in trouble.

Small Battles

Earlier in the week, I was invited out to bingo and for Nando's with what I thought, was a couple of friends.

I agreed, even though I expected some form of panic to proceed the evening. I was not wrong.
Sure enough, as I was getting ready, I in fact did have a panic attack.

I managed to get myself together, and made my way the bingo hall. I got there early, so decided to go in and get a table, and messaged my friends to say where I was sitting.

The response I got was to try and get another table as there was nine of them.

Nine.

I was expecting three people, not nine. I immediately started to try and think of a way I could just go home. 

I stayed put. But I was not at ease at all. I felt myself get light-headed, and was aware of my increasing heart rate through the evening.

Somehow, I managed myself through the whole night, without having a further panic attack.

This is progress. I was proud of this minor achievement. So I shared my feelings on Facebook.

I typed this and debated whether or not I should post it. It was gone one in the morning, so I decided to post it, and I could always delete it.

I then went to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't goo straight on Facebook, but when I did, I was surprised at what I saw.

Messages of support. Public and private ones. I had been worried about sharing a bit too much, no one had known how bad this problem had gotten.

I feel lighter for it, and I feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

London MoonWalk 2016

26.2 Miles.

I can hardly believe it.

I entered the MoonWalk months ago with four other people. One by one they dropped out. I only knew one of the others anyway, and she had to drop because she needed her gallbladder removed.

Initially, when Rachel dropped out, I also wanted to drop out. How was I going to be able to get through this with people I didn't know and had never even met? It seemed like a nightmare to me, and I considered not doing it many times.

In the end there was only two of us left to walk it, and we met at Kings Cross just a few hours before we were due to start.

We got along fine, which was a relief.

I found the begining of the event to be a bit of a mess; fifteen thousand people setting off in six start times. That meant that early on, it was very slow moving due to congestion.

And the early toilet stops were very long; the first one was about fifteen minutes, and our second stop tipped just over half an hour. I wish I had timed how long we were stationary, it must have been close to an hour and a half.

But that complaint aside, I muddled through. I had some low moments, and my lower back, my thighs and my feet ached.

But at 10.57AM, about 10 hours and 57 minutes after we started, we crossed the finish line. I was a little disapointed with the time, I had wanted to get under ten hours, and without the terrible waiting around at bottle-necks, we would have been.

But still, I am proud of myself. I am a marathon finisher.

I ache a bit now, and I am still incredibly tired, but I do feel that maybe I can do it again next year.

Online Dating/Dating

My love live is in a pretty sad state.

I am fairly sure that I am not in a fit state to even attempt a relationship right now, but the lack of options is still disappointing. A single date at this point would be pretty nice.

After some random chat with a few girls fizzled out, and after an abnormal number of the usual 'straight' girls and a few couples, I decided to deactivate my two online dating profiles, tinder and POF.

I came to the realisation that I am probably more likely to meet someone in the 'real world', which is actually really unlikely. 

I'm more likely to find a unicorn.

After this hit me, I figured I should just give up for a while.