Small Battles

Earlier in the week, I was invited out to bingo and for Nando's with what I thought, was a couple of friends.

I agreed, even though I expected some form of panic to proceed the evening. I was not wrong.
Sure enough, as I was getting ready, I in fact did have a panic attack.

I managed to get myself together, and made my way the bingo hall. I got there early, so decided to go in and get a table, and messaged my friends to say where I was sitting.

The response I got was to try and get another table as there was nine of them.

Nine.

I was expecting three people, not nine. I immediately started to try and think of a way I could just go home. 

I stayed put. But I was not at ease at all. I felt myself get light-headed, and was aware of my increasing heart rate through the evening.

Somehow, I managed myself through the whole night, without having a further panic attack.

This is progress. I was proud of this minor achievement. So I shared my feelings on Facebook.

I typed this and debated whether or not I should post it. It was gone one in the morning, so I decided to post it, and I could always delete it.

I then went to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't goo straight on Facebook, but when I did, I was surprised at what I saw.

Messages of support. Public and private ones. I had been worried about sharing a bit too much, no one had known how bad this problem had gotten.

I feel lighter for it, and I feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

London MoonWalk 2016

26.2 Miles.

I can hardly believe it.

I entered the MoonWalk months ago with four other people. One by one they dropped out. I only knew one of the others anyway, and she had to drop because she needed her gallbladder removed.

Initially, when Rachel dropped out, I also wanted to drop out. How was I going to be able to get through this with people I didn't know and had never even met? It seemed like a nightmare to me, and I considered not doing it many times.

In the end there was only two of us left to walk it, and we met at Kings Cross just a few hours before we were due to start.

We got along fine, which was a relief.

I found the begining of the event to be a bit of a mess; fifteen thousand people setting off in six start times. That meant that early on, it was very slow moving due to congestion.

And the early toilet stops were very long; the first one was about fifteen minutes, and our second stop tipped just over half an hour. I wish I had timed how long we were stationary, it must have been close to an hour and a half.

But that complaint aside, I muddled through. I had some low moments, and my lower back, my thighs and my feet ached.

But at 10.57AM, about 10 hours and 57 minutes after we started, we crossed the finish line. I was a little disapointed with the time, I had wanted to get under ten hours, and without the terrible waiting around at bottle-necks, we would have been.

But still, I am proud of myself. I am a marathon finisher.

I ache a bit now, and I am still incredibly tired, but I do feel that maybe I can do it again next year.