New year, big changes

It might have taken thirty-three years, but I am finally becoming a grown up.

Last year I took responsibility of my debts and I am now on the path to improving my financial situation in the future.

This year, in 2019, I am moving in with my girlfriend.

Big steps for me. I have never lived with a partner before, and not only am I moving in with someone, I am moving around sixty miles away to a different town away from my friends and family.

I should probably be at least a little bit nervous or scared about it, but I am honestly just excited about the changes coming up.

I have twenty-four days until the last day of my current job, and the day I move in with Katy, and thirty-four days until I start my new job.

We have started moving my things from one house to the other, and we have so much to sort out, but I am enjoying it because I know that the minor stresses of moving will be worth it.

Rome

I had been looking forward to a break away in a foreign country for a long time.

I had been to Rome previously, and loved it, so always wanted to return, so it was an easy decision to make.

I mostly had a really good time. But I did have an anxiety attack, and possibly the worst one I have ever had, as there is a period of up to two hours that I simply do not remember. I don't remember getting up, if I hate, and how I make my way to the bus station to catch a bus to Naples for my day trip to Vesuvius and Pompeii. I remember feeling sick and on edge, and confused. I decided that it was unsafe for me to continue with my original plans that day, which left me feeling gutted as I had been really looking forward to it. I cried.

Instead I decided to head towards the sea, Ostia, by metro train. It didn't take long to get to, yet felt like a million miles away from the bustle of the city. I found it calming, and was what I needed.

I managed to continue with my holiday, but felt on edge for the remainder of it, concerned that I would have another episode.

I kept my closest friend, and also the girl I have been seeing updated, and both of them did their best to help me remain calm, and focus on the good.

I wish to return to Italy, maybe see a couple of cities in one go. I think it would be better than I travel when I am more mentally stable, maybe this trip on my own came a bit too soon for me, or if I had someone to go with, someone who would be able to ground me when I found myself in trouble.

Small Battles

Earlier in the week, I was invited out to bingo and for Nando's with what I thought, was a couple of friends.

I agreed, even though I expected some form of panic to proceed the evening. I was not wrong.
Sure enough, as I was getting ready, I in fact did have a panic attack.

I managed to get myself together, and made my way the bingo hall. I got there early, so decided to go in and get a table, and messaged my friends to say where I was sitting.

The response I got was to try and get another table as there was nine of them.

Nine.

I was expecting three people, not nine. I immediately started to try and think of a way I could just go home. 

I stayed put. But I was not at ease at all. I felt myself get light-headed, and was aware of my increasing heart rate through the evening.

Somehow, I managed myself through the whole night, without having a further panic attack.

This is progress. I was proud of this minor achievement. So I shared my feelings on Facebook.

I typed this and debated whether or not I should post it. It was gone one in the morning, so I decided to post it, and I could always delete it.

I then went to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't goo straight on Facebook, but when I did, I was surprised at what I saw.

Messages of support. Public and private ones. I had been worried about sharing a bit too much, no one had known how bad this problem had gotten.

I feel lighter for it, and I feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

London MoonWalk 2016

26.2 Miles.

I can hardly believe it.

I entered the MoonWalk months ago with four other people. One by one they dropped out. I only knew one of the others anyway, and she had to drop because she needed her gallbladder removed.

Initially, when Rachel dropped out, I also wanted to drop out. How was I going to be able to get through this with people I didn't know and had never even met? It seemed like a nightmare to me, and I considered not doing it many times.

In the end there was only two of us left to walk it, and we met at Kings Cross just a few hours before we were due to start.

We got along fine, which was a relief.

I found the begining of the event to be a bit of a mess; fifteen thousand people setting off in six start times. That meant that early on, it was very slow moving due to congestion.

And the early toilet stops were very long; the first one was about fifteen minutes, and our second stop tipped just over half an hour. I wish I had timed how long we were stationary, it must have been close to an hour and a half.

But that complaint aside, I muddled through. I had some low moments, and my lower back, my thighs and my feet ached.

But at 10.57AM, about 10 hours and 57 minutes after we started, we crossed the finish line. I was a little disapointed with the time, I had wanted to get under ten hours, and without the terrible waiting around at bottle-necks, we would have been.

But still, I am proud of myself. I am a marathon finisher.

I ache a bit now, and I am still incredibly tired, but I do feel that maybe I can do it again next year.

Online Dating/Dating

My love live is in a pretty sad state.

I am fairly sure that I am not in a fit state to even attempt a relationship right now, but the lack of options is still disappointing. A single date at this point would be pretty nice.

After some random chat with a few girls fizzled out, and after an abnormal number of the usual 'straight' girls and a few couples, I decided to deactivate my two online dating profiles, tinder and POF.

I came to the realisation that I am probably more likely to meet someone in the 'real world', which is actually really unlikely. 

I'm more likely to find a unicorn.

After this hit me, I figured I should just give up for a while.

Weight Loss

Over the past few months, I have steadily been losing weight. Some of this was been contributed to by the depression I suffered over the summer. 
Although I want to lose weight, I haven't really put an awful lot of effort into actually doing anything about it.

I am not comfortable with publishing my weight, so I have blocked those bits out of the above graph, but this is my progress over the past few weeks. That is very nearly a stone.

The differences in my life between now and a couple of months ago is that I am now cycling, and I will be doing so more often now that I have a new bike through my employers cycle2work scheme, and that I have, without much thought, cut a lot of sugar out of my diet.

My sweet-tooth as disappeared over the last few years, but I have had a weakness for fizzy drinks. For the last month or so, I have barely touched them, only drinking them when out with friends, which has only been a handful of times.

I reckon if I put some decent effort in, I could do even better than I have been.

2016 'Predictions'

I did one of those Facebook things, where you follow a link and it 'predicts' your future for fun;

Party in January? That seems unlikely in the month after Christmas.

I actually wouldn't be opposed to time to myself in February, I'm okay with my own company, and its a short month anyway.

Seeing as I have recently gotten myself a permanent position at a company I am very happy to work for, a new job isn't on the cards for me, I'm not even interested in browsing.

I'd welcome a jackpot in April. I suppose 'jackpot' could be a little vague. Hopefully it will be a financial jackpot, which would explain why my May prediction says Caribbean.

Hopefully my June surprise is a nice one. 

Considering my position, I don't see a promotion of any kind happening in July. A pay-rise would be nice.

August and September seem to conflict with each other; new love followed by a timeout? Not actual love then.

An October adventure would be kind of cool, maybe a little trip to a foreign location could be on the cards?

Not sure I like the idea of change in November, I do have a year to think about it though.

And a new car in December? Definitely up for that.

Tinder Messages

I have over 60 matches, but not really talking to anyone. There is some chit chat here and there which more often than not, dies down after a couple of days. Some of it is pointless.

To start with, I have no idea how I matched with a guy. I was really confused when a guy said hello to me. He also doesn't have very good English, so I'm not sure that he understands me.

Then we have this:

Ugh. Couples looking for someone to join in.

And the friggen straight girls.

Cute Bird

Found a cute bird on tinder;

Speed-Dating Update

So a couple of hours after posting yesterday, I received a text message from the cafe where we had gone speed-dating;

Excellent idea. I responded that my friend and I had actually been discussing the idea ourselves, and that I definitely would be interested.

I told Rachel that she will have to come along when they do hold one; think she'll be the one getting drunk next time.